i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
