If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
