She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
