he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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