I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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