I just pynch a tree in the face
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
