She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
