Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He passed out mid-signature
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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