Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
