there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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