About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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