I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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