Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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