Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
