Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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