So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize