are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize