This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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