im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
