If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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