i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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