I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
