Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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