sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
