I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
