genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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