things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
