mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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