It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
