I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
