Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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