Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
