Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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