I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
