??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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