The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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