i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
