Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
