Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
