Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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