I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
