he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
