Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
