A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
