he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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