I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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