i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
