I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
