Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
