i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
