I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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