Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
