she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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