rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
