angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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