you have to choose: penises or morals?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
